How to Overcome Self-Criticism: Practicing Saying It's Okay to Make Mistakes

Even though you did well, the thought ‘I could have done better’ comes first. Even when you hear praise, you accept it as ‘I was just lucky’ or ‘They let me off easy this time,’ and you yourself are never satisfied. If you make a mistake, that scene replays in your head for days.

People around you say you are doing well enough, but your standard is always one step ahead. This is self-critical perfectionism. It’s not that your willpower is strong, but an inner voice in your head continuously telling you, ‘You are still lacking.’

Why Has Self-Criticism Become So Strong?

Self-critical perfectionism is mostly formed in childhood from the experience of ‘being acknowledged only when doing well.’ If parents or the environment focused more on pointing out flaws than giving praise, or if the experience of being firmly scolded when making mistakes repeats, the child’s brain learns. That if you are not perfect, you might not be loved.

In psychologist Frost’s research, self-critical perfectionists show high scores in Concern over Mistakes and Doubts about Actions. If these two elements are strong, satisfaction doesn’t last long even after achieving something, and you constantly verify yourself.

As a result, a vicious cycle is created. The more you try to do better, the higher the standard goes, and self-blame repeats because of the unmet standard. This is why it’s hard to stop with willpower alone.

Daily Patterns of Self-Critical Perfectionism

• Even after achieving something, you minimize it by saying ‘This is a given.’
• You ruminate on mistakes for a long time, and self-blame lasts for days.
• Even when praised, it’s hard to sincerely accept it.
• There are cases where you procrastinate before starting because you think ‘I probably won’t do it well.’
• You wonder yourself why you are so strict with yourself while being generous to others.

If several of these apply, the critical inner voice inside you is in a considerably strong state. This is not a bad personality. It’s just an old survival strategy still operating today.

What Happens When Self-Criticism is Strong

When self-criticism is strong, paradoxically, performance can drop. Because you fear failure, you reduce attempts altogether, or keep procrastinating with the excuse that you are not perfectly prepared. A significant portion of your energy is spent repeatedly processing ‘I am not enough.’

In psychologist Neff’s research, it was confirmed that the higher the level of self-criticism, the higher the risk of burnout, anxiety, and depression. Conversely, there are results showing that people who practice self-compassion recover faster after mistakes and actually produce higher performance. Pushing yourself is not a motivation, but an anchor holding you back.

How to Overcome Self-Criticism: Practicing Treating Myself Differently

Try changing self-talk to the third person

When you make a mistake, instead of ‘Why am I so bad at this?’, try saying, ‘(Name), that must have been hard this time.’ Speaking in the third person allows you to view the same situation more objectively, and has the effect of lowering the intensity of self-criticism. This is the basis of the self-compassion training proposed by Neff.

Practice ‘Did well enough’

Try submitting even if it’s not perfectly finished. As the experience of submitting an 80-point work accumulates, the standard that it’s meaningless unless it’s 100 points slowly shakes. You are learning with your body that results still come out even if it’s not perfect.

Write down one thing you did well every day

A person with strong self-criticism dwells much longer on what they didn’t do well than what they did well. You must intentionally balance it. Write down just one thing you did okay today before going to bed. It can be small. As this accumulates, the distorted perception of ‘I am always lacking’ is corrected little by little.

Having strong self-criticism is not because you are lazy. Rather, it’s because you’ve been running while pushing yourself for too long. Now it’s time to say ‘Good job’ to that inner voice.