Passive-Aggressive Traits: Why Do They Act That Way When They Say It's Fine?

They say, “It’s fine~”, but somehow the atmosphere gets cold. They don’t get angry directly, but they constantly run late for appointments or ‘forget’ to do things you asked for. They seem dissatisfied, but they never point out exactly what the problem is. These are passive-aggressive traits.

What kind of anger type is Passive-Aggressive?

Passive-aggressive is an anger type where they do not express anger directly but let it out through indirect actions when they are mad. They pretend to be fine on the outside while revealing their dissatisfaction through sarcasm, silence, intentional delays, and ignoring.

According to Spielberger’s (1988) STAXI (State-Trait Anger Expression Inventory), the passive-aggressive type shows a unique pattern where both Anger-In (suppression) and Anger-Out (expression) appear at moderate levels simultaneously. It’s a dual structure where they don’t express anger directly, but they don’t swallow it completely either, letting it leak out through their actions.

To those around them, this creates confusion: “I don’t know if that person is mad or not.” Often, the individuals themselves also think, ‘But I didn’t get angry?’

Passive-Aggressive Traits — These behaviors appear

They say one thing and do another. They say, “It’s fine,” but they are actually not fine at all. This dissatisfaction shows up as deliberately arriving late for appointments, ‘forgetting’ to do favors, or responding a beat late in conversations.

The boundary between sarcasm and humor. They say things like, “Ah~ you’re so good at this~” in a tone where you can’t tell if it’s a compliment or sarcasm. If they wrap it in humor, they can slip away with, “Hey, it was just a joke,” even if the other person asks, “Are you mad right now?” However, if this repeats, the other person won’t be able to know their true feelings, and trust slowly crumbles.

Revenge scenarios in their head. Because they can’t get angry directly, they play revenge scenes in their head. ‘I should have said this back then’, ‘Next time they do that, I’ll do this’. When anger cannot come out, it consumes energy by looping internally.

Why did they become passive-aggressive?

The reason the passive-aggressive type chooses the detour route is because of the fear that bad things will happen if they speak directly.

Fear that the other person will get angry, that the relationship will break, or that they will become a bad person—if experiences accumulate from childhood that expressing anger is not safe, the detour method becomes their default strategy.

In Thomas-Kilmann’s Conflict Mode Instrument (1974), the passive-aggressive type is in a state where they use ‘avoiding’ as a default while simultaneously having a ‘competing’ desire inside. In a conflict where they hate to confront directly but also hate to concede, they try to push their stance through indirect methods.

According to research by Hopwood & Wright (2012), passive-aggressive behaviors are mostly formed in childhood environments where expressing anger was punished or suppressed. It’s not a matter of willpower, but the result of long-standing learning.

The impact of passive-aggressiveness on relationships

When passive-aggressiveness repeats, the other person feels fatigued. Confusion builds up like, “I don’t know what this person truly wants,” and feedback returns like, “You seem dissatisfied but you won’t tell me what it is, which is frustrating.”

The closer the relationship, the more an invisible wall forms. At work, even if teamwork seems to be functioning on the surface, trust gradually collapses.

How to change passive-aggressive traits

Don’t beat around the bush; say it in one sentence. When you feel the urge to say something sarcastic, try changing the core of that emotion into one direct sentence. Instead of, “Ah~ you’re so good at this~,” say, “Honestly, I was a bit disappointed about that part.” It might be scary at first, but the other person often appreciates it more.

Find the real reason for your anger. When passive-aggressive behavior appears, ask yourself, ‘What am I actually dissatisfied with right now?’ If you were late for an appointment, is there something you feel upset about with that person? Finding your true feelings gives you a clue to speak directly.

Reduce saying ‘It’s fine’. Consciously try to reduce the habit of saying you’re fine when you’re not. You don’t have to express your anger immediately. Buying time by saying, “I need some time to think right now, can we talk later?” is also a good method.

Practice with one safe person. Try expressing yourself directly first to someone you trust. “Actually, I was a bit upset back then.” Experiencing that the relationship doesn’t get ruined will gradually give you courage in other relationships too.

If you want to check what your anger type is → Anger Management Test

If you feel you also have a people-pleasing pattern → People Pleasing Syndrome Test